Searching For Euphoria

11:04am: Well
It has been awhile since I posted. So much has happened. My relationship with James was thrown into turmoil once again and we broke up, and now I am heart broken.

For so long I thought I did not love him, but I really do, I think I really love him. And even if this is only teenage love or whatever I do not care, because my heart longs for him. It hurts every minute he is away, it hurts when I wake up in the morning and he isn't there. It hurts when I don't get to text him everyday, everyday is a constant struggle.

He told me that if I love him, I will wait for him. It could be a month. That really hurts, it hurts so much. A month is a really long time for me especially now more than ever. God it hurts like nothing I've ever felt before.

This relationship has been in such turmoil because of my problems and his, but there is something that I am starting to realize. My depression has got in the way and has  caused most of the problems. I was diagnosed with Manic Depression (Bi-polar disorder basically), and now I know why this relationship was so hard. I made it that way.

I am going to go back on Meds and try and fix this. But while I do that I have to wait for him. It fucking kills me to have to wait for him, my whole body aches.

I am just so confused because he says that he loves me yet he wants me to wait for him? I told him that I wanted to see him almost everyday and he said that we could still do that, but not in the dating sense not for awhile. That hurts that hurts so much, I want to sleep next to him, I want to hold him and he hold me. That is all I fucking want, and now I have to be seperated from him for god knows how long. I don't like this I don't like this at all.

Fuck I am crazy.

12:06pm: Everything that has a Beginnning
Has an End..

I do not really know if this is the end. Yet, if it is, then it has been coming. I won't hold my breathe though, I'm not as strong as you think I am.

I wish I could be, I wish I could just tell you how miserable I am. How you make me so happy, and yet so fucking depressed at the same time. Deep within I know the real reason, it was obvious it has been obvious to everyone around us. We tried to put on the mask, try and mask our own insecurities, our own loneliness. We're not actors, we never put on a good performance.

Alas, through all that you were still a shinning light, still that little spot of happiness that I never had before. Those good times were so good, so pure, so freeing.

I was your first everything, but in a way you were my first love. So many years so many relationships wasted on just the physical connection, but not this one, this one was different, you gave me faith in the world, you allowed me to feel again. You'll never know how much that means to me, you'll never know how much you touched me.

I'm very afraid to be without you, I know it sounds weak and confusing, but it is true. I am afraid that I will never have really lived what it really means to love without you by my side. Deep down, that is not the truth, I know I can move on, I know I can feel for someone else again, but a part of me will always remain with you, a part of me that I usually would have never given up. I find solstice in that, I found solstice in you even if it was only for a short time.

I hope one day I can see you again, and on that day we'll be free. Free from malice, free from anger, free from sorrow. I look forward to that day, that day when I can look at you again and not help but want to cry.


Its been a journey I'll never forget, thank you.

Thank you

Arigato gozaimasu

Gracias

Merci

Danke

Thank you...

3:02pm: If You Could Rewind.
If we could rewind our lives, I think we'd never move forward. Why? People would be lazy and just hit the pause button.

1:28am: E
Things never change.

Yet, some things do.

1:40pm: No, not at all.
I gave in.

Yes, I did, I gave in. Once again I am back with him. Why? Because I -think- I love him. Do I really know if I love him? No, not at all. I think I do, but I am not really sure.

Sometimes I wonder if I even know what love is, probably not. All I know is that when I am with him, most of the time I can be happy. Yes, we argue and it gets really bad but other times it is really good.

Call me stupid, call me pathetic, call me weak-minded, but you know what... This is how I feel, and if it hurts me in the end well I will just live with it. No, I don't expect any of you to be supportive about it, even though you are my friends, and no I will not bitch to you about it anymore... I guess that is why I pay a therapist.

All I have to say is this, don't judge me. A lot of you have done far worse than this, just be there for me when I need you, and I'll do the same for you.

9:50am: I'm Off...
Tomorrow I am off to San Francisco for the weekend.

It should be nice. We've got a hotel and everything.

I am bringing my Camera so I will take lots-o-photographs.

Fuuuuuuuuuck....

Only four more months...

5:46pm: Correction...
I'm sorry.. not the Pegans...

Read this.

On the ancient Athens calendar, the period between mid-January and mid-February was the month of Gamelion, dedicated to the sacred marriage of Zeus and Hera.

In Ancient Rome, February 15 was Lupercalia. Plutarch wrote:

Lupercalia, of which many write that it was anciently celebrated by shepherds, and has also some connection with the Arcadian Lycaea. At this time many of the noble youths and of the magistrates run up and down through the city naked, for sport and laughter striking those they meet with shaggy thongs. And many women of rank also purposely get in their way, and like children at school present their hands to be struck, believing that the pregnant will thus be helped in delivery, and the barren to pregnancy.[3]

The word Lupercalia comes from lupus, or wolf, so the holiday may be connected with the legendary wolf that suckled Romulus and Remus. Priests of this cult, luperci would travel to the lupercal, the cave where the she-wolf who reared Romulus and Remus allegedly lived, and sacrifice animals (two goats and a dog). The blood would then be scattered in the streets, to bring fertility and keep the wolves away from the fields. [4] Lupercalia was a festival local to the city of Rome. The more general Festival of Juno Februa, meaning "Juno the purifier "or "the chaste Juno," was celebrated on February 13-14. Pope Gelasius I (492-496) abolished Lupercalia. Some historians argue that Candlemas (then held on February 14, later moved to February 2) was promoted as its replacement, but this feast was already being celebrated in Jerusalem by AD 381. The pope also declared in 496 that the feast of St. Valentine would be on February 14.

Catholics still stuck their nose in things.

12:27am: V-Day.
Just so you know, I really dislike this Holiday.

In fact, I seem to have a great disgust for any holiday that the Catholics stole from the pegans and made into their own just because they want to spread their bigotry. Yeah, thats right, I said it, I REALLY dislike V-Day.

Honestly people, you are being taught to feed into ANOTHER commerical holiday driven by Hallmark and the Candy corperations. Yes, commericalism is a part of western culture, but that does not mean you can't be a selective consumer. Its easy to do, boycott buying any V-Day crap.

Want to do something special for your loved one? Make them something. Write them a lovely letter, or pick some flowers for them.  Doing something that REALLY counts instead of going to your local drug store and buying some cheap ass candy heart crap. Honestly.

Stop allowing big corperations like Hallmark, and Hersey's profit from your Love.

Annnnnd... St. Valentine is a fucking JOKE.

8:43am: Projects Up My Ass
Fuck.

There is so much to do in my photography class, and I am hoping that I can get it all done by the end of the semester. Not to mention my updated portfolio for SFAI needs to be sent out by tomorrow, and has to get there by Thursday. I am kind of freaking out considering there is so much that needs to be done. I chose figure study/nude/body art as my focus and now I am trying to figure out what I am going to do in order to actually fulfill these requirements. There is a lot of work, and a lot of planning that needs to be done, I still need models... I still need ideas for Christ sake.

I am starting to get worried, and it is only the 5th week into the semester... and I am freaking out!

AGH!

5:39pm: Extended Circumstances...
Don't work for your Family.

If you are even THINKING about possibly working for someone in your family. Go to the nearest wall, and smack your head repeatedly against it until you knock that insane notion out of your head. Working for your faimly is like working for Donal Trump, their assholes all the time.

One major difference, you go home... and they know where to contact you! AND THEY WILL AT ANY TIME OF THE EVENING!

It is the most exhastperating thing in the world. I repeat, do not work for your family damn it!

----------------------------------

With that out of the way... It is still starting to hit me hard. I am moving in less then six months, and now I am starting to get a little nervous. I still do not know where I am going to live... That is a problem. A HUGE problem. Agh, I do not want to think about it right now.

On the good side, I've gotten back into the swing of photo and have some pretty cool ideas coming up. The focus of my portfolio has become nude/figure study with some emphasis on body painting. I am really excited. It is sort of going to be classical nude, but with a twist.

Excited.

9:28am: Liberation Through Musical Euphoria
I have not always been a music person. In fact, I did not really start listening to music until I was about 11 years old. It started with my obsession with the radio, and the fact that music seemed to play out of thin air. It fascinated me to no end.

Not much later I received my first CD player, which gave way to a world full of possibilities, full or awe, full of life. My collections of various artists from Enya to Smashing Pumpkins, grew and grew, heightening my seemingly spiritual connection with the artists and album covers I had come to love. Nostalgia in sued.

When I finally hit High School and had my eyes proverbial torn open to the diverse society that music is, I began to find artists that sent me into states of extreme euphoria and depression at the sametime. Somewhere in that mix, I developed an obsession with certain artists. Whenever I found an artist that I enjoyed very much, I would listen to them non stop until I or others around me could not stand it anymore. I cannot really explain why I seem to develop these strange obsessions in only a track's minutes, but it happens.

I've tried to rationalize it, and I came to one conclusion. Like all people in the world, I create a certain Nostalgic connection with a song that I hear or image that I see. Nostalgia comes with a severe sense of euphoria, something that we as people do not want to escape, we at time, desperatly want to cling to. When I pondered it more, I began to realize that we as humans are constantly searching for a certain state of nostalgia, a state of euphoria exhibited through an outside source, like music, like visual art.

It is quite amazing the emotions that flow over me when I listen to a particular song. A wave of memories washes over, and when I close my eyes I can feel the absoluteness of my memories, the touch, the smell, the sounds. It is an experience that is hardly easy to express in write word. I've never been able or read anyone who could accurately express those feelings through words.

Music is very much a part of my art, very much apart of who I have become as a visual artist. It creates the emotion that I need in order to build the energy to create an image from my imagination, or from my past.

Music to me if the tool in which I manifest the fantasies that are kept locked in my head.

What is music for you?

1:09am: Eyes Wide Open
I remember as a child, I used to play with my childhood neighbor Jason down in an abandoned garden lot a few houses from mine. The lot was overgrown with Ivy, and after much effort Jason and I carved little paths through bramble, creating a network of imagination.

We used to pretend that we lived in a jungle, with no parents, no rules, no homework, no responsibility. It was us, and the ivy.

We used to lay on the soft soil and look up through the bramble of ivy and trees, and watch as the patchs of sun danced on our fingertips. It was as if we had created a world in our own, free of fear, free of worries, free to see and live in beauty.

Reflecting on this, I remember just how beautiful this world is. Even the simplest ivy bush can create a story, a novel, a beautiful tale.

Seen anything that tells a story lately?

11:00pm: I've Got A Record
Usually it involves me getting one of these things and never really writing in one.

Then I realised, that the reason I really never wirte in these things is simple... I write them for people, not myself. Well, no more. And two, I really do not want the general public reading my musings.

So, here we go.